____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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