I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
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He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
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Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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