True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
