You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
this hospital has no fireball
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
