I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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