I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
