Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
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Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
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