i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
