I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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