you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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