Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
