i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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