I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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