any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
