Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Randomize
