haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
