the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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