I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
