You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
they need to just BURY HIM!
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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