She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
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