i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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