An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
