Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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