So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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