Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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