Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i already hear my dad disowning me
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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