Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
