I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
