He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
