He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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