sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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