I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
