The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
how drunk are you?
Several
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
