I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
