I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
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