since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He did a backflip because drugs
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
