The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
