the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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