You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
