Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
