So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I FOUND THE LEGS
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