just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
