Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
