she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
