$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
