please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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