Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
