Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
