if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize