Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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