well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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