so that wasnt chicken after all
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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