Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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