This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I feel like a drive thru vagina
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
