How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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