I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Im part way to drunk.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
