put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
