dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
