Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
