Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
