The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
