Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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