I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
