I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
