only if we run a train.
done.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
