my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
