Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
