Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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