I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
