I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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