cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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